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Julee’s Laws of Personal Grooming

February 21, 2010

I was hunting for the nail clippers this morning, and was reminded of something I wrote a while back.

Women in my age group – you can relate.

The rest of you – read and laugh, but remember.. your time’s a’comin’!

1. If you’ve just done your nails, invariably you will brush one of
them up against something and screw up the whole works. Then, when you
take the polish off that nail to redo it, the polish remover will take
off polish from the nails you’re holding the cotton ball with, thus
making it necessary to redo your whole manicure. Rinse and repeat, as
you will brush up against something with a wet nail again.

2. If you need the nail file – it’s in your desk at work. If you need the nail clippers – they’re lost.

3. When you get old, you begin to grow hair in places no self respecting
woman should ever have hair. Because you’re old, your eyesight is also
failing, making it doubly hard to find such hairs and tweeze them out.
Putting on reading glasses doesn’t help, as 99.9% of these new hairs
will be white, and therefore practically invisible to you. If you do
find them, see rule #2 and apply it to the tweezers.

4. “When will you ever learn?” is a mainstay phrase in my House of Style.
This applies quite often after a noble effort to tweeze my own brows.

5. The older you get, the harder it becomes to haul your leg up far enough
to sand the dry rough skin off your heels. It also becomes harder to
shave delicate areas, especially when you have this huge protrusion in
your midsection that has the “Goodyear” logo tattooed upon it that you
can’t see past.

6. Attempts at a decent pedicure, using toe
separators to keep from screwing up the polish like you just did on
your nails, will result in toe cramps that will make you cry. Hence,
you will falter and scrape your toes against the floor, screwing up both
the pedicure and the carpeting.

7. Applying makeup is a joke.
Reading glasses get in the way of seeing what you’re doing on your
eyelids, and if you remove them, you end up looking like Cleopatra on
acid. For the first time, I’ve paused and pondered ordering some of
those silly looking glasses with the flip-up lenses. You know the ones.
They’re in every junk catalog you get, along with the gag gifts like
the toilet seat that farts when you sit on it. The ones you get because
one of the ‘respectable’ places you ordered from sold your address to
the heathens.

8. Sweater dresses will never look good unless you
wear them in the dead of winter with thick tights to mask your leg
imperfections and a full body shaper to flatten your stomach, make your
butt smaller, fool yourself into thinking you still have a waistline,
and render yourself unable to breathe till 5:15 PM, at which time the
tortuous contraption is peeled off as soon as you walk in your front
door. And I’d highly suggest ‘basic black’.

9. Lipstick will be applied crookedly. Guaranteed. Don’t bother. Your lips will be more attractive bare.

10. Dead sea salt scrub infused with aromatic, essential, emollient oils will make your hands look better. For about an hour.

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